Colorful Cullen Comedy
by Forbittenlove
Summary: My little assembly of oneshots. I tried to make them all pretty ammusing! Newest: AIM with the Cullens. rated T for language and content. Completely CullenxBella fluff.
1. Introduction and Story Menu

_**INTRODUCTION**_

**A/N: So this is my lovely collection of one-shots. I think I'll give you guys 2 or 3 today and write them as I go. I already have the ideas for 6… yay!**

**Possible stories so far:**

_**Emmett and the dog**_

_**Carlisle's lesson**_

_**Alice and the Stock Market**_

_**Esme's concoction**_

_**Edward's scavenger hunt**_

_**A trip to the bottom of the sea**_

_**Bella and her Loestrin problems**_

_**You should know what you're getting into**_

_**Rose gets drunk**_

_**Truth or Dare**_

_**Mike's stupidity**_

**Disclaimer:**

**Katie: You know that you don't own twilight correct…?**

**Me: and…?**

**Katie: You spend way too much time on your dumb conspiracy theories.**

**Me: When my conspiracy theories come true don't come running to me.**

**Katie: -rolls her eyes- Yeah, a devilishly handsome vampire is going to come pick you up any second, and you're going to fall in love and you're going to go through tons of danger, but love conquers all by the end of it.**

**Edward: You ready to go Liz? We're meeting Alice back in Forks.**

**Me: -smirks- BYE KATIE. Told you.**


	2. Emmett and the Dog

**Emmett and the dog**

_**(Emmett's POV)**_

"Come on Edward! It's time to go… HUNTING!"

"Emmett, I went hunting with Jasper and Alice yesterday, and I want to go see Bella." Edward said from his room.

I looked over to Rose, but she just shook her head and headed back to the garage.

Esme was 'conveniently' no where to be found and Carlisle was at the hospital.

I sighed loudly and said, to no one in particular, "I'll be back in a few hours."

Then I ran off into the forest. I fed until I could not feed anymore. I had two grizzlies, a deer and three foxes.

On my way back I smelled something and turned around to see a dog. It looked like it was called an… Irish setter maybe?

I walked over to the dog, who seemed to be quivering just looking at me. Soon it's shaking stopped and I scooped it up in my arms! Yay! I have a new friend.

I burst into the door to my home and I saw Rose, Jasper, Alice, and Esme freeze.

"Emmett, why the hell did you bring a dog home?" Rose asked.

"She is my new friend, her name is Muffin and she sis going to be living with us." I said before going up the stairs.

Edward was gone to Bella's house and Carlisle was up in his study.

I bounded through his door and set Muffin down on the chair opposite of him.

"Carlisle, I want to ask you something."

"Alright, what is it Emmett," He said, looking at me with a strange light in his eyes.

"Carlisle, I want you to change Muffin into a vampup for me." I said, bouncing up and down with my excitement.

"Emmett, there is no such thing as a 'vampup'."

"Not yet, but that's what Muffin will be when you change her!"

Carlisle dropped his head into his hands and rubbed his temples before picking up his cell phone and dialing a number.

"Edward… you need to come back here… you can bring Bella with you… Alice can make an excuse for Charlie… Yes, another of Emmett's 'ideas'… alright, see you in 10." Carlisle flipped the phone closed to see me playing with Muffin on the carpet. He smiled warmly when I looked up, but asked me gently if I could leave his office and get Alice to ask Charlie if Bella could spend the night.

When Bella and Edward arrived, Edward looked wary and Bella looked excited.

"EMMETT!" She screamed when she saw me, and I gave her a huge bear hug, being careful not to strangle her. I laughed a little at her enthusiasm. I had not seen her for weeks.

Muffin came walking in, wagging her tail with a leash and a collar on her neck, guided by Alice. Alice and Esme had liked her instantly. Esme had gone to the store to get dog food.

Carlisle then came in and started conversing with Edward, it was so low that I, being on the other end of the room, could not hear him.

Edward looked at me shocked, and then doubled over with laughter.

"Vampup?!" he managed to say after a while.

"Yes," I said, somewhat defensively.

Bella looked confused, then it dawned on her, and she whined at Edward, "So Carlisle says he'll change a DOG, but you won't let any of your family change ME?!" she whined.

Edward spent the better part of five minutes soothing Bella before he gave up and tried his dazzling thing with her. It was so funny the control he could have over her at times.

"Alright Emmett, but if this doesn't work I'm telling you now that there is nothing I can do once she is bitten." Carlisle's voice came from the kitchen.

"Alright."

_Three Days Later_

I looked down at Muffin as she woke up. Her fur was glossier and her eyes were maroon. Crap. Do vampups have to worry about eating humans?

"EDWARD! Where are you?" Came Bella's voice from downstairs.

I walked slowly downstairs, with a metal chain around Muffin's neck, not like it helped, she simply broke free of the chain and ran at Bella. I could see Bella's eyes widen and I started to chase Muffin so I could rip her off, but when I got there, Bella was there, simply knocked to the floor, with slobber-ish venom all over her face and Muffin's paws on her stomach, tail wagging wildly.

"Great, even the dog is stronger than me at this house." Said Bella, irritated.

**A/N: eh. It's short, but whatever. These might not be in the order I have the names up on the first one, they're in the order that I feel like writing them.**

**Up next: **_**You should know what you're getting into.**_

**It's about Alice spilling some of the Cullen's deepest, most embarrassing secrets to Bella one day while the whole family is out hunting so she knows what she's in for and she has some solid blackmail if she ever needs it.**


	3. You should know what you're getting into

**You should know what you're getting into**

_**(Bella's POV)**_

"Alice?"

"Yes Bella?" Alice responded, but she looked a little dis-heartened. Edward had told her no makeover. Or else.

"We should do something fun besides just sitting her and being bored." I said, I could almost hear a whine in my tone.

Alice's eyes glazed over, I grabbed onto her shoulders, supporting her, while she was in her vision-trance. When she opened her eyes she looked excited, and she looked somewhat… evil as if she had a plan up her sleeve.

"How would you like to hear embarrassing stories about this family, you're going to need some form of blackmail when you become a member of _this_ family."

"alright," I said excitedly.

"Who do you want to hear about first?" Alice inquired.

"Hmmm," I said, my hand making a lop-sided 'L' under my chin while I contemplated. "Carlisle; I want to hear about Carlisle." I said at last.

"Well, we have caught Carlisle numerous times in the big bathtub in his and Esme's bathroom playing with a rubber duck and a toy boat screaming like a little four year old and playing 'Moby Duck'." Alice said, and she giggled, remembering the event.

I doubled over with laughter and a single tear came out of my eye. "Jasper," I managed to say before the giggles enveloped me again. Alice gave me a look that meant 'I'm not continuing until you shut up' and I quieted at once.

"Jasper likes to try on my dresses while Rose and I go shopping and he enjoys putting eyeliner on dolls." Said Alice; no doubt she'd had a vision of it and never told him. I laughed even harder than when I heard about Carlisle, but no tears escaped my eyes.

"Esme," I said, calming myself at once.

"Esme secretly likes to watch 'pokemon' on Saturday mornings, and when no one is home and she is finished cleaning she runs around saying things like 'gotta catch 'em all' and 'Pikachu, thunderbolt!' I seriously think that she is pretending to catch pokemon."

This time I let a laugh escape my lips, louder than before and I could hear it echoing off the walls of the house as Alice put her hand over my mouth. She wanted to make sure that no one heard me. I felt bad laughing at Esme… but oh god, it was hilarious!

"R- Rosalie."

"Rosalie enjoys spreading rumors about herself, saying it's some other girl who she had caught flirting with Emmett and making pictures of her in some tight outfit saying something nasty about herself, then running off to the principle and pretending to be upset about it."

I chuckled softly, typical Rosalie.

"Emmett."

"Emmett likes to go find fields of flowers to skip through and pick the prettiest flower to stick behind his ear, and if he can't find one he goes to Pets Mart to play with the baby kittens."

At this I laughed uncontrollably and I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks.

"I don't suppose I get to say 'Alice' do I?"

"Not a chance."

"Edward then."

"Alright. Edward has one of those dolls who talk, and their eyes move, and you 'feed' them and they pee and everything. It's like a baby born or something. Well, that thing was like his WHOLE life before you came, and now it's pretty much all he does when he's here. We used to claim that he had falled in love with a piece of plastic. He named her Trixie."

I couldn't help it. I was shaking with laughter, and some time later, it could have been minutes, or it could have been hours, I wasn't sure I heard the other Cullen's returning.

I sped down the stairs into Edward's arms and pretended to be mad.

"I thought we didn't have any secrets."

"What are you tal--"

"You never told me about your ex-girlfriend!" I saw Alice shaking with laughter behind me.

"Huh?" Edward said, eying his family, only Alice and Jasper, who had joined her in laughter seemed to know what I was talking about.

"I guess I'll let you play stupid as long as you introduce me to her."

"What in the world are you talking about Bella?"

"I want to meet this Trixie who occupied your life before I was here."

All of the Cullens burst out in laughter and if Edward could have blushed he would have, then his head snapped around and he yelled.

"ALICE!"

**A/N: Alright, I'd like to know who's secret you liked the best. **

**No more for today, but I'm either going to put up **_**Alice and the Stock Market **_**or **_**Mike's stupidity**_** next.**

**AatSM- Alice causes the stock market crash in 1929. **

**MS- mike tries to hit on Bella and tries to force her to do 'things' with him. The Cullens find out and decide to pay him a 'visit'**

**Tell me which one you want me to type first:D**


	4. Alice and the Stock Market

**Alice and the Stock Market  
**_**(Alice's POV; visions in ittalics)**_

_**BEGIN ALICE'S FLASHBACK**_

Tuesday October 22, 1929

"Oh Jasper! I feel like doing something, I'm tired of just sitting here all  
day."

"What do you want to do Alice?" he asked me with a sigh.

"Let's do the Charleston!"

"Alice--"

"Please Jasper? We can get Edwar--"

_People were running to banks, trying to withdraw their money but the bank's  
doors were closed, and the people's life savings were gone. Forever. _

Women cried in the streets and hugged their children close and men were hoisted  
out of their jobs. Children were dying of hunger and the government could not  
pay for enough food to sustain them all.

Then I saw the crash. The reason for all of this happening. The stock market  
had plummeted. The country was in shambles. Even our family. Rosalie -  
Rosalie who had to have everything perfect - was wearing what looked like  
little more than rags.

I gasped as my vision ended. Jaspers hands were protectively holding my upright  
and I saw Edward come into our room. His normally pale skin was even paler  
than usual, his eyes wide with shock.

"We have to tell Carlisle." Edward said, as if I didn't know.

"I'll tell him." I offered at once.

"What happened?" Jasper inquired.

"Edward will explain, I have to call Carlisle."

"Carlisle." I started.

"What is it Alice? What is wrong?" Carlisle asked and I could hear the worry  
in his voice.

"I had a vision."

"I thought as much."

"I had a vision of the stock market... crashing. The crash is in two days  
Carlisle. I saw such destruction, banks closing people homeless..." I let out  
a dry sob and I could no longer continue.

"I'm coming home."

"alright, bye Carlisle."

"Goodbye Alice."

I put the telephone back on the receiver.

I could feel Jasper's protective arms snaking their way around my waist and I  
buried my head into his shoulder.

"Oh Jasper... what are we going to do?"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"As you all know," Carlisle began as he confronted our family about the problem at hand. "Most of our money is in the stock market, the other money is in banks scattered around the U.S."

"And as some of you might not know, Alice had a vision, the stock market will crash on Friday and as a result the banks will all close. Now what I am asking you all is, do we take advantage of our knowledge or do we sit back and pertend like we don't know anything?" Carlisle asked, and I knew his speech was over and it was our turn to take up this conversation.

"There is no way in _hell_ that I am going to wear rags." Rose said; she was the first one to break our uneasy silence.

"Rosalie Hale, watch your language." Esme scolded.

Silently I agreed with Rosalie, but I was not about to let any of them know that… crap. Edward will know, but he'll be the only one.

There was a general murmur of agreement at Rosalie's comment and Carlisle grabbed the phone quicker than any of us could see.

"Yes, this is Doctor Carlisle Cullen… I'd like to withdraw all the money from my account… Yes, something like that… Thank you very much sir… Goodbye to you too."

Carlisle did this about 10 times before he was finished. He had refused to put a lot of money in one of the accounts; he would never put more than $ 100,000 in a single vault.

He let out a long sigh and said that he didn't want to look suspicious for taking all the money out at one time and then take out all of the stocks also. He said ti would not be a good idea.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Friday October 24, 1929 **(Headline and news article in bold)**

I walked slowly down the stairs, with Jasper by my side looking into the eyes of my forlorn family's eyes. They all looked strained and angsty.

Suddenly I heard the paperboy going by and I rushed out the door to get the paper before anyone else in my family could respond.

This was it.

I opened the paper to read the front cover and even before the news carrier was out of sight I had read the whole front page. I let out a terrified scream and I felt Jasper's arms around me, I turned into his chest and sobbed dryly into his shirt. _My fault, my fault, my fault._

Edward was chalky pale again and Carlisle looked worried, he bent over Jasper's shoulder, who fought off the urge to growl at our father, to my head and pulled my chin up with his finger.

"May I see the paper?" He asked me calmly, and I nodded my head before burying my face into Jasper again. I didn't need to see it again, that page would be implanted in my memory forever.

**BREAKING NEWS!**

**The stock market is in shambles. Stocks are plummeting like crazy and there is only one thing known about how this happened: Some very wealthy man out there had his hand deep into the stocks and in the early hours of yesterday afternoon this man withdrew all of his shares and got his money in return. Him withdrawing his money was the first stone to cause the avalanche. He was one of the few lucky ones. Many banks have already closed due to their lack of money. Please wait for confirmation, President Hoover will have something worked out shortly.**

There was also a picture I vaguely as being Wall Street, but I didn't care. This was all my fault, my vision was going to come true because I had seen it in the first place.

Before I even realized we were moving I could feel myself being placed on the couch next to Jasper. Carlisle Faced me and cleared his throat before saying,

"Alice, I want you to know this was not your fault, it would have happened anyway sooner or later, but although we know it is not your fault, I feel that you would want to help out these poor people?"

I merely shook my head in agreement.

"I think it would be best…" Carlisle started, and he suddenly looked nervous. Oh cap, what is he going to ask me? "If you sold most of the clothes in your closet, if you can sell them you can buy food for people suffering, if you can't then we can give them the clothes directly."

I think I shocked everyone in the room then, for I walked robotically up the stairs and before anyone else could come up to talk to me I was back down the atirs with 12 trash bags stuffed full of my clothes slung over my shoulder.

"Are you coming with me Jasper?" I asked him as I walked out into the cold morning air, though I felt nothing of the heat as we ran towards town.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"So, let me get this straight," Bella started, "The reason you can't show me your flappers' outfit from the 20's is because you caused the Stock Market to crash, which helped lead to the Great Depression and you sold all your previous clothes to help those in need?"

"Yes?" I answered questioningly, looking down at my intertwined hands that were folded in my lap.

"I would have settled for 'I got bored of them'." She said in amazement, then she mumbled under her breath, but I was sure she knew I heard her, "You might as well tell me that Carlisle brought the rat that caused the Black Plague to Europe."

"HEY! It wasn't his fault he was still a young vampire and didn't understand the consequences…" I trailed off looking at Bella's shocked face and cracked up laughing. Good thing I didn't tell her Emmett running across Kansas to get back to Rosalie was what caused the Dust Bowl…

**A/N: Sorry about how rushed it is, I have a horrible headache today. Mike's Surprise will be out tomorrow or the next day, if MS isn't out tomorrow, look for the newest chapter of Unexpected Changes -innocent smile-**


	5. Authors Note: Read or NO Mikes Stupidity

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

**Sorry about this guys, I wasn't planning on it I swear, but Mike's Stupidity ended up being pretty long, it's so long that it won't make a good one-shot. So I wanted you guys to vote for me:**

**Just don't have a Mike's Stupidity at all.**

**Make it a separate story from my one-shots and make it a 3-5-shotter instead.**

**Cut off tons of Cullen info to keep it a one-shot.**

**JUST UPDATE ALREADY!!!**

**Alright, I'm not feeling all that well, so I'll update UC later on. I don't feel like typing anything new.**


	6. AIM with the Cullens

**AIM with the Cullens**

_**(Just the conversation, not a specific POV. The screen names are listed below.)**_

_Bite Me 101 – Bella (partially because it's what she wants, the other part is to bug the heck out of Edward)_

_**Shop o Holic – Alice (obvious reasons)**_

Emotional Mess – Jasper (obvious reasons)

**Masochistic Loin – Edward (Meh. Edward will be Edward.)**

_Roses have thorns – Rosalie(suits her, doesn't it?)_

HI IM EMMETT – Emmett (what can I say? It's Emmett after all)

**Dr C Cullen – Carlisle (he uses it for work also)**

_**Mother of 8 – Esme (again obvious)**_

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

-Start of conversation-

_Bite Me 101- Edward?_

**Masochistic Lion- Yes Bella?**

_Bite Me 101- YAY! You finally got AIM! _

**Masochistic Lion- Yeah, along with the rest of my family, shoot! Bella run while you have the cha---**

SHOP O HOLIC HAS ENTERED THE CHATROOM

**Masochistic Lion- Too late.**

_**Shop o Holic- OH! Bella! I'm so excited! You have to come over later, I'll talk to Charlie for you don't worry, we can do MAKEOVERS.**_

_Bite me 101- Oh, dear lord save me!_

_**Shop o Holic- -snivels- JASPER! Bella doesn't like my makeovers!**_

EMOTIONAL MESS ENTERED THE CHATROOM

Emotional Mess- Don't worry honey, I bet she didn't mean it that way.

(PRIVATE MESSAGE FROM EMOTIONAL MESS TO BITE ME 101)

Emotional Mess- I'm not sure if you've ever seen Alice extremely emotional/angry, and I know you don't want to, so for your own good I'd let you know it's best to at least pretend you'd like to come see her and have her give you a makeover.

_Bite Me 101- Ok, thanks Jasper._

(PRIVATE MESSAGE SCREEN CLOSED)

_Roses have thorns- So as I was saying Edward there's this new hair product you should try_

_Bite Me 101- Rosalie?_

_Roses have thorns- Yes Bella_

_Bite Me 101- What're you doing here?_

**Masochistic Lion- She's mad at Emmett. **

_Bite Me 101- And why am I not talking to Alice and Jasper right now?_

**Masochistic Lion- Jasper is trying to comfort her, if worse comes to worst he'll volunteer for a makeover.**

_Bite Me 101- That's too bad I was going to tell her I wanted that makeov—_

_**Shop o Holic- THAT'S WONDERFUL BELLA! I'll call Charlie!**_

SHOP O HOLIC IS AWAY!

Emotional Mess- Thank you Bella! You saved me!

HI IM EMMETT HAS ENTERED THE CHATROOM

**Masochistic Lion- Oh dear god.**

HI IM EMMETT- W3R3S R0S3?! 1 M4D3 TH1S UB3R C00L $/N S0 1 C0ULD T4LK T0 H3R AB0UT 3ARLI3R.

Emotional Mess- AHH! My vampire eyes, I'm BLIND! That goddamned chatspeak/letter combination killed my retinas! 

HI IM EMMETT- 1 N0 R0S3 1S H3R3. T4LK T0 M3 R0SE!!!

HI IM EMMETT- HO DO I TURN OFF TIS GODDAMNED CAPSLOCK?!

**Masochistic Lion- um… I think I'm going to go see Bella… bye everyone!**

MASOCHISTIC LION HAS LOGGED OFF

DR C CULLEN HAS ENTERED THE CHATROOM

**Dr C Cullen- what are you kids up to?**

_Roses have thorns- Emmett of course I'm going to be pissed if you leave a camera in MY bedroom while we are making LOVE! That's called P.O.R.N._

**Dr C Cullen- Oh dear lord. **

HI IM EMMETT- BU7 R0S3, 1 D1D TH4T S0 I C0ULD SH0W 3DW4RD & B3LL4 WH4T 1TS SUPP0S3D T0 L00K L1K3.

_Bite Me 101- Oh god Emmett! Do I even have to tell you guys that I'm bright red or do you already assume that?_

Emotional Mess- We already thought that, Bella. I think I'll go find Alice, and we will go… see a movie?

MOTHER OF 8 HAS ENTERED THE CHATROOM

_**Mother of 8- oh, Jasper dear is the anger getting to you?**_

Emotional Mess- Well Esme, lets just say they are making me an emotionally unstable mess.

_**Mother of 8- Alright dear, can you remind Alice that Bella is going to need some warmer clothes when you two swing by the mall? It's supposed to be snowing soon.**_

_Bite Me 101- No one said ANYTHING about spending money on the human! NOOOO!_

Emotional Mess- Mall? –gulp-

SHOP O HOLIC HAS RETURNED

_**Shop o Holic- omgbellaitalkedtocharlieandhesaiditwasfinesinceisaidedwardwasgoingonacampingtripandwecandoyourmakeoverwhenjasperandigetbackbecauseihavetogetyouanewwinterwardrobe!**_

(Translation: omg Bella I talked to Charlie and he said it was fine since I said Edward was going on a camping trip and we can do your makeover when Jasper and I get back because I have to get you a new winter wardrobe)

**Dr C Cullen- uh… I have to get back to work now, you kids have… fun?**

CR C CULLEN HAS LOGGED OFF

_Roses have thorns- ALICE! Calm down! I know when you get excited the space bar gets annoying but it'd be best to use it._

HI IM EMMETT- W0W R0S3 1S H0T 3V3N WH3N SH3 1S Y3LL1NG AL1C3!

_Roses have thorns- that's IT_

HI IM EMMETT- R0S3 N0000! 4HHHH ------- EIUY8902Y GJH324910G R8391750 R8EWPHFO3T8 G4H! H3LP! S0S! S0M30N3!

_Bite Me 101- You guys planning on helping him?_

Emotional Mess- are you kidding? You know how Fun it is to see Emmett get beaten to a pulp on the kitchen table?

_**Mother of 8- EXCUSE ME?!**_

Emotional Mess- …I mean their bedroom?

_**Mother of 8- I'd better go deal with this, excuse me Bella.**_

MOTHER OF 8 HAS LEFT THE CHATROOM

ROSES HAVE THORNS AND HI IM EMMETT HAVE BEEN TEMPARARILLY DISCONNECTED FROM THEIR SERVER

_**Shop o Holic- Wow, Esme just tore up both of their laptops… there goes their bed... and Rosalie's new perfume… ouch. Oh, there goes their dignity. Esme is screaming, ohhh. This is too good. Edward needs to see this.**_

Emotional Mess- Alice… can we go please? The mall is better than the emotions of those three.

_**Shop o Holic- of course! I can never say no to the mall!**_

EMOTIONAL MESS AND SHOP O HOLIC HAVE LOGGED OFF

_Bite Me 101- -sigh- All alone once again. _

_Bite Me 101- one is the lonliest number…_

_Bite Me 101- OH! EDWAR---!_

BITE ME 101 HAS LEFT THE CHATROOM


	7. Author's Note

**_Author's Note:_**

**Hey everyone! I know I haven't updated in a while, and it's childish to say, but it's NOT MY FAULT. I was writing the chapters and I had a ton written then my junk computer died and lost EVERY single file on my computer, so now I'm all depressed. But back to the point, I have a couple of ideas for new stories, and I really don't want to have ALL of these, so I'm keeping 'Mike's Stupidity' (Because it was the most fun to write) and one other, and then I'm going to delete the rest of the stories. **

**And I need you guys to help me pick which one to keep. Whichever has the most reviews even if you just leave one saying 'satihor;dln' or something but whichever gets the most on THIS AUTHOR'S NOTE CHAPTER I will keep. But I really don't want to finish Unexpected Changes, I wrote the whole thing a while ago and not only do I not remember a lot of it, it was boring to write. I think MPH would be a good one to keep, but it is actually up to you guys!**

**Thanks in advance to anyone who is willing to help, it means a lot!**

**Deadline for reviews: Wednesday, July 11, 2007**


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